7/31/14 Day 186 (pt 2) – Good habits and bad habits

Day 186- Thursday 7/31/14

We’ve had a couple interesting conversations recently. Conversations that don’t leave me feeling awesome about my skills as a financial provider.

I know this isn’t the place to air dirty laundry, but I wanted to give context.

You are the most important person in my life. And while you are the most important person in my life, I still can’t allow your ebbs and flows to determine my states of mind at any given moment.

Similarly, you can’t allow my moods to determine your current feelings.

I believe that’s what codependence is or what can lead to codependence.

I have to love you enough not to get swept up in your crazy when you’re going through a rough patch. And you can’t afford to allow yourself to get caught up in my crazy or feelings of insecurity.

The biggest thing, though, is we can’t get in the habit of giving ourselves over to our rough spots. Just because we feel something, doesn’t mean our actions have to follow.

And that’s something I’m trying to learn. If I don’t catch myself and correct myself or understand why I’m having an angry, insecure, lashing out moment, then it can lead to this habit of demanding my rights. I don’t have that right – not if my heart is to have a growing, healthy marriage and family.  If I give a crap about you and our children and our future, then nope, I don’t have the right to be a jerk and stay there.  Regardless of the circumstances, I gave up that right.

So… The point of this post is simply to recommit to keeping my side of the street clean. I need to be aware of my habits. And I need to watch myself.

And I need to love you unconditionally like Christ loves the church. There’s no person on this earth who is ALWAYS easy to love. Neither you nor I am always the sweetest, most lovable individuals in the world at all times. That’s too much to ask of anybody.

I love you when you’re unloveble. And I pray that you love me when I’m unlovable.  That’s a good habit to put into practice.

I love you. I love us.

Because We’re Pinching Pennies

I pray that this is still mostly anonymous.

You and I are struggling a bit on the financial side of things. You’re patient with me as the chief financial provider. We don’t toss money aside on every sparkly, shiny new object. We never go out to eat. We hardly buy new clothes for ourselves.

We have a slightly higher TV package than we need. We send our boys (very cheaply) to a 2 day a week pre-school.

We have places we could cut. It wouldn’t make a huge dent, but we could cut here and there.

But it’s becoming a project–you and me against the debt-demons. You and me trying to be creative to find a bit of cash here and there.

First, I’m just so thankful that you don’t bust my balls all the time about it. You acknowledge that I work and try–that I’d even go back and work at the Cracker Barrel where I put myself through grad school. I’m selling bad records on ebay for goodness sakes.

Second, I trust we’ll get through this. My business will continue to improve. We’ll push through. I do need you. I need your encouragement and patience and help here and there, but we’ll get through it. And we’ll be thankful for whatever we learn.

Because You Got My Back

While there are times when I know that I’ve upset you for some reason, I very, very, very seldom feel as if you are disappointed in me.

As I work on our budget right now and struggle with having more month at the end of our money, I can’t help but feel bad. You deserve to be taken care of much better than this. Granted, we are in this together and both make our decisions, but still.  Whether it’s by more consistently keeping track of our budget or whether it’s by my bringing in more, I want you to feel secure financially.

You never make me feel like a putz. I appreciate you for that. You know I work. You could easily complain or fuss or give me a hard time.  Perhaps I watch too much TV to think that anybody does that to their spouse, but nonetheless, I feel like you’re always in my corner.