Triggers

Every once in a while something triggers your pain.

It’s pain that I caused. The triggers sometimes have nothing to do with me. But they send your heart and mind back to some time late in 2009 when, well, you know what I’m talking about.

You mention that when you struggle, you want me to experience half the pain that I inflicted. While I have absolutely no defense and no right to compare, there’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t sit for a bit in regret… even fear. I fear that I will never be the source of strength, trust, and comfort that I was hoping to be for you.  Or that you’ll never allow me to be (again–who could blame you)?

Regardless, I love you. I cherish you. Most of the time, I think, you realize this and you believe it. Other times, not so much, but the other times are getting fewer and I’ve been doing a lot of growing. I pray when you get to this entry some time in the distant future that our marriage will be not only strong but a city on a hill: a source of encouragement, hope, and strength for others, maybe even others for whom the wounds are fresh.

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